When I first started this blog I wasn't exactly sure what I wanted to achieve with it. Was I going to write about sex, relationships, pop culture? In my mind I'm perfectly capable of being the Black Carrie Bradshaw, but I have since come to the conclusion that this was a lame notion and dismissed it with a quickness. I ultimately decided I would just use it as a public journal to share my thoughts. Few people will read it, but at least I have an outlet to vent. I always thought diaries were pointless. I mean, you sit and collect your thoughts on paper and then what, go back and read them? Anywhoo, I guess I just wanted to start off explaining the purpose behind this regularly scheduled discourse.
Back to the lecture at hand.
I'm f*king jaded. It's not just me either. I'm not quite sure if this is something that happens with age and experience but I know I'm not the only one around who feels completely unimpressed with what this world has to offer. It's funny because I'm sure if you were to pull someone out of the 17th century and plant them in 2011 society they would shit themselves. With technology evolving literally every second you get used to everything being done faster, easier, and in a more convenient manner. But that's purely on the technology front. People don't seem to fascinate me much anymore either. I think someone could show up at my doorstep and play the guitar for me with only their toes and all I could do is give a blank stare. It's like I've seen too much and yet I haven't seen much at all. People are tattooing their foreheads with cartoons. Women are injecting their buttocks with silicone. Nine year-olds are having sex. For all I know, all of the aforementioned things could be happening at the same time this very moment.
I have discussions with my friends about how I'm not even sure I want to be married because the fantasy no longer exists. Disney lied to me. All those fairy tales that little girls watch are clearly a crock of shit. They don't tell you that after Cinderella gets married the Prince fathers a child out of wedlock, and has to pay child support. They don't tell you that after Sleeping Beauty wakes up, she marries the Prince, then he leaves her for a hot young blonde. You have to figure this out between the ages of 20-30 and even later for some deluded women. I've seen broken marriages, cheating, abuse, and pure misery up close and personal through the eyes of loved ones, so you'll have to excuse me if I don't get excited when being asked out on a date. Luckily for me, though holding on to my cynicism, I'm generally a happy person. I try not to let the things that I've seen ruin my sense of optimism. Actually, I consider myself more of a realist than a cynic. I just wonder what it will take for me to be wowed by something again. I mean really and truly dumbfounded and rendered speechless by something. I haven't felt that way about anything in a long time.
I just finished reading another blog's post about why Black men prefer not to get married. One of the reasons highlighted is that men always hold out believing they will find something better. Therein lies a conundrum. People are so unimpressed with each other that no matter how great the other person is, after a while they start to think there might be someone better. There are admittedly tons of options for men, but the argument comes full circle when you think about how being jaded + sense of entitlement = perpetual search for happiness.
All in all, I think the best way to deal with this feeling is to think about what I have to offer the world instead of what it has to offer me. I am blessed in just about every way and I don't take that for granted.
Stay thirsty my friends.
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