On Being A Loner...

Although I am the last-born of three children, I grew up feeling like an only child.  This is in large part due to my siblings being significantly older than me (14 and 12 years).  I've been told that I operate like an only child; at times selfish, self-sufficient, and a loner.  Those things are true.  But there are positive things about this that I would like to share.  If there is anyone out there who grew up under similar circumstances, take heart.  There are invaluable aspects to this that you can appreciate and that you would not have had you not grown up this way.                                            


1) Learning how to be okay with being alone. 


I wasn't always alone as a kid.  I had school friends, neighborhood friends, and cousins that I would see during the holidays and summer vacations.  But when I came home everyday, there were no siblings to argue with.  No toys to hide.  No arguing over what TV channel I wanted to watch.  And I was okay with that.  By default I also had to learn how to play alone, how to entertain myself (which I still do today).  Sure I've been to and hosted a sleepover or two as a child, but it never really mattered to me whether I had them or not.  I learned early on about myself, what made me happy and what kept me entertained.  I didn't have a sibling close enough in age to influence whom or what I was into, so I gravitated toward the things I wanted instead of what others wanted.  As a result I became a person who didn't necessarily need to always have someone around.  As an adult I am comfortable living and doing things alone and seeking company only when I feel like I need it.  I won't pretend me being an introvert doesn't have a large part to do with it, but even if you are the opposite and relish in attention, growing up in pseudo isolation prepares you for the moments where all you have is you.


2) Being self sufficient
I find being almost completely self-sufficient as an adult invaluable.  The independence you feel from being able to accomplish things on your own is so freeing.  Of course you can't accomplish everything by yourself.  There are times that you will need someone to boost you up, steer you in the right direction, lift heavy things, and help you do things you just are not physically capable of.  But I find it comforting to know that I can do most things by myself.  I can only imagine the kind of despair I would have experienced if I were the kind of person that "needed" someone to check the oil in my car or do my laundry or grocery shopping.


3) Not being wrapped up in everyone else's life
You can become self-centered.  Which is bad and frustrating for any person you date but sometimes crucial when you are single.  Aside from a best friend or two, without close siblings who do you share personal things with?  Maybe a parent if you have that relationship.  But it tends to be a two-way street.  Being there for other people is a keystone for any important relationship, so it's easy to get wrapped up in other people's problems when they are used to relying on you.  It's a part of life and a good thing to be emotionally available to loved ones, but it's also exhausting.


I am still learning to balance a lot of these qualities with opposite traits to be a better person over all.  Easier said than done, as much of it is imbedded.  But I like who I am and I'm one to find a silver lining in everything.

The thing about relationships

I firmly believe that no matter how intuitive being selfless and attentive may be for you, no one is ever really prepared to be in a situation where you always have to consider someone else in your decision-making.  Other than parenthood, or some other scenario where you have taken on the task of caring for a loved one or relative, as an adult your first instinct is to live and problem-solve using your own judgment, and the only person you assume it affects is you.

I was speaking to someone the other day who is nearing 40 and has been single for the past 5 years.  She says she thinks her problem is that she is too set in her ways and not only does she not want to make compromises (because she is basically at peace with her flaws), but she doesn't have the patience to deal with anyone else's flaws. Yea...  I did not ask her the obvious questions like "aren't you lonely?" or "but who kills the spiders for you?".  I know those are things that she has resigned her self to dealing with.  The bigger question is, is being that selfish worth it?  Do the benefits of independence and acceptance outweigh potential lifelong partnership?  I think the answer is only if the lifelong partnership is with someone who is not well suited for you.

" Truth is everybody is going to hurt you: you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for."~ Bob Marley

Here is Why Chris Rock is Amazing

I laugh, but I also always feel a little less smart after listening to him speak.  I find him brilliant, and along with other older Black celebrities has reached a point in his career where he can say whatever he wants and no one holds him to the high level of scrutiny or political correctness as most other entertainers.  One could argue that comedians naturally are given creative license in this regard, but it goes further than that.  He doesn't just make "white people crazy" jokes.  He makes "white people crazy" jokes with real insight.  And he's not saying anything that goes above our heads.  It's insightful, factual, socio-political commentary that is hilarious without being too threatening.  It makes white people uncomfortable because it's true.  And he seems to revel in that discomfort.  I don't know whether he enjoys making white people uncomfortable or he just doesn't give a fuck.  But that seems to be the genius of it. In fact, that is the very essence of his charm.  He doesn't just say things to get a reaction, his thoughts are sincere. 


I've always said that there is a difference between being witty and being funny.  One is not better than the other, but there is a difference.  I often associate most humor with farce, physical comedy, or slapstick.  Chris Rock jokes are none of those things.  But he still manages to hit smart punch lines without sounding like an intellectual snob.  It's the greatest thing to me.


Right now he is on a hell of a truth tour to promote his new movie Top Five.  Like most Chris Rock films, it has some critical acclaim but at first glance you know it won't do as well in the box office as you'd want it to.  Overall I would say his films give you only a glimpse of his genius.  He's come a long way from "Pookie".  And I'm here for it.

Lena Dunham

I felt compelled to chime in on all the hullabaloo surrounding Lena Dunham's book excerpt from Not That Kind of Girl detailing the interaction between herself and her sister's private parts, and the overall criticism of her as a person:

Yes, she is neurotic and annoying. Yes her writing is mediocre at best and the subject matter mostly trivial. I still watch her show even though I don't relate to any of her white people problems because I happen to find white people problems intriguing. I actually read her book. The "abuse" everyone is talking about happened when Lena was also a child. Was it wrong and a weird thing to be comfortable sharing with the world? Yes. Is it as horrific as everyone makes it seem, not to me. Sometimes I think people revel in being able to judge others. We all have our shit. More people than you realize have done something odd and perverted (not saying that her act was one of perversion, as it was described in her book as one of childlike curiosity). More people than you realize are neurotic, hypocrites, and "new racist" and "new black". What makes us judge everyone so harshly? Do we live up to the same standards we expect of celebrities?  The only issue I have as it relates to Lena Dunham is the fact that her story gets told and ours doesn't. She gets to be who she wants and tell her story her way and black people, women especially don't seem to get that same opportunity.

Black People Are Extra as Hell and I Love It

If you were to go through my Whatsapp saved photos you would be either utterly appalled or completely amused by it.  The random f*ckery that my girlfriend and I share through messenger is worthy of some judgment.  My phone drive is filled to the brim with memes, Instagram screenshots, and ridiculous tweets because we follow people who like us, appreciate the f*ckery.  I don't care because it's hilarious to me and someone else thought it was hilarious too, that's why it made it's way to these internets. 


But Black people...Black people crack me up.  I swear I can never comprehend racism against Black people because I find humor in most things we do, albeit ignorant (sometimes).  We have such a colorful and ostentatious way of being, as a whole.  We come up with a new slang word every day (I just learned what bando means and am determined to use it) and a new dance every three months, and I am here for it!  I would not want to be any other race.


I just started reading Lena Dunham's new book "Not That Kind of Girl", and I feel like I tapped into the psyche of white people and it's not as funny.  I'm not sure what that says about me.  It's obvious that one reason I cannot relate is because of cultural differences.  But it's almost like Black people don't seem to have to try so hard to be ridiculous and carefree and funny.  Except Kevin Hart.  Kevin Hart tries too hard.

7 Things I learned about being natural

I get it.  You're natural and proud.  You want people to respect you and still think you're beautiful even though you do not meet the European standard of beauty.  Didn't India Arie tell us we are not our hair???  By obsessing over hair you are actually doing nothing for the acceptance of black beauty.  I think what makes black women so beautiful is the fact that we come in all shades, body types, and hair textures.  I think many would agree that these distinctive traits are what makes us physically the most exotic and unique in comparison to all other races.  But you want to tell Black women that the only way to look is the way "God intended"?  I couldn't disagree with this sentiment more.

Furthermore, I don't believe it's healthy or productive to care what white people or anyone else thinks about your hair.  I don't think any other race of people (other minorities included) is sitting around saying golly, this group of people doesn't seem to appreciate my pale skin, maybe I should campaign against anybody who decides to tan.  Within every race and culture there is an acceptance of traditional standards of beauty as well as evolved, modern attitudes toward beauty.  As society has become more progressive I think the natural evolution is toward celebration of all hair types.

Perhaps I am an idealist.  But I am not one to tell people what to do with their hair.  I'm off my soapbox now.  LOL

As I approach one year of being relaxer free here are 7 things I've learned:

1) I probably would not have made this transition if I were not in a relationship.  I was not in one when I started, and I felt like I signed up for this for all the right reasons, but when it became difficult, and when I felt uncomfortable in my skin and not as pretty and not like "me" I didn't turn back because I met someone that thought I was beautiful either way and very supportive.  That helped.

2) Surprisingly, I became less of a product junkie.  The natural world is ridden with hair journey blogs, youtube product reviews and tutorials, and articles about what products work the best for your particular hair type.  Because one of my tenets was I would only make this transition if I could find a way to make it just as low-maintenance as when I used a relaxer, I made the decision to stick to one product line at a time.

3) It's not as high maintenance as people suggest.  The level of maintenance is really based on your style preferences. Obviously doing a twistout every night seems more time consuming than just doing a wrap every night, but if you're lazy like me you do a few and still obtain the look you want.  Don't get me wrong, there are days I spend a lot of time on it and still don't get it to look how I want, but I had those days with relaxed hair too.  Overall I spend less time on it than when I was flat ironing it every morning or pin curling it at night.

4) Having natural hair does change people's perception of you.  Even if you know you're generally accepted as attractive, you get the general sense that people have their minds made up about the kind of person you are, what beliefs you have, what kind of men you are attracted to.  You are automatically presumed to be less superficial, which oddly is a turn-off for a lot of men.

5) Coconut oil is magical

6) Natural Nazi's are annoying.  As stated above, although I appreciate people who have a passion for authenticity, you don't get to tell people what they should do with their hair. Stop it.

7) Confidence is key! I won't shame anyone who feels more attractive with straight hair.  After all, it is a personal preference.  If you can't rock it with confidence, don't do it!  I still struggle with this at times, but it's getting better :-)

Chris Brown "X" --- Inside the mind of an R&B bad boy

Have you ever wanted to know what it was like to be a world-famous singer with a criminal past, raging hormones and relationship drama played out in front of the world?  Hold tight you might find a few tracks that lay it out for you.  The track heavy album has 21 songs on the Deluxe version and is  currently available for purchase on iTunes.  Here are my thoughts track for track:


X

The first line of the title track reads "If you're only as good as the company you keep, then imma blame you for what they say about me".  One can only speculate this would refer to his ex-girlfriend Rihanna, who in back in 2009 he was arrested for assaulting.  Their well-publicized on-again-off again relationship since the incident has been tabloid fodder and people are always looking for him to comment on it.  It might be a retrospective on that relationship, who knows.  It has a mellow, if not melancholy feel.

Add Me In

I can honestly say that this mid-tempo track had me moving my shoulders a little.  I found the melody to be very Michael Jackson-esque, which seems to be a reocurring motif with his work.  Overall I think it's a great song to groove to in your car or have in the background when entertaining.

Loyal 

This single, with help from Lil Wayne and Tyga quickly became the hit of summer 2014.  I won't lie, when I first heard this song the lyrics bothered me.  I had a problem with grooving to a joint that discounts the loyalty of women and referring to them as "hoes".  However, being as hip-hop inclined as I am, that would make me a hypocrite.  RnB has been married to hip hop culture (which includes a lot of misogyny) for many years now, and I can't listen to (old) Jay-Z and Rick Ross and be okay with it but be all "How dare he!" when RnB singers do it.  So I jam to it.  Sue me.

New Flame feat. Usher & Rick Ross

I was a little underwhelmed with this track.  On paper, everything about it seems to point to it being a huge hit.  From the production to the features, the song has all the ingredients of a hit.  But something is missing.  Perhaps the lyrics are a bit formulaic, and the verse from Rick Ross was unnecessary.  However, I always enjoy a good Usher collabo, and am glad that male RnB singers enjoy working together.  Which brings me to...

Songs on 12 play

Trey Songz and Chris Brown have been friends for years.  Both from Virginia, they entered the music business as teenagers and have grown into R. Kellys of this generation.  I think this persona works for both of them because it seems pretty genuine.  They really do live that lifestyle.  In case you didn't know, the title of the song is an ode to R. Kelly's famous 12play album.  I get the whole vibe they were going for here.  The song is sexy.  If you like sexy, this will be your shit.  You might even want to add it to your sex song list.

Drown in It

I would have the same sentiments about this song as the previous track, if it weren't for the R.Kelly feature.  I know I am not the only one who cannot get past the accusations about Mr. R-Uh. It is a sexy song indeed, and I respect the fact that Chris wanted to work with someone who had such a major influence on the very genre he is a part of.  I gotta draw the line at alleged pedophelia though.

Came to Do

This sounds a lot like "Loyal".  It's a pretty good jam though.  Akon is on it.  I was just wondering where he's been.  Now I know.  Singing on Chris Brown's song.  Who knew?

Stereotype

Another look inside his mind.  Again, you wonder who exactly he's directing his words to.  Is it his current girlfriend or his ex?  Maybe a combination of women he's known and dated.  One lyric states "you have become my biggest regret".  The lyrics are not as insightful as they could be, and I think it relies heavily on the heavy dance beat.  I can't quite see myself dancing to this though.

Time for Love

This might be my favorite song so far.  I hear a sample from "Juicy Fruit" by Mtume.  I am always here for that beat.  Always!

Lady in a Glass Dress (Interlude)

Who is the lady in a glass dress? I think it's a metaphor for something but haven't figured it out yet.

Autumn Leaves feat. Kendrick Lamar

Pretty Melody.  Perfect song for a Kendrick Feature.  I am a Kendrick fan.  I appreciate his lyrics because he's really great at painting a picture with his words and that's one of my criteria for a great lyricist.  Overall this is a very chill song.  An extra verse or two from Kendrick and you could throw it in the middle of Good Kid M.A.A.D city and it would fit right in.

Do Better feat. Brandy

More insight into Chris Brown's inner turmoil with relationships.  Of course her "girlfriends think you ain't shit".  You don't have the best track record with women my friend.  The theme here is "if I knew better I would do better".  I do really like this song though.  Judge me if you must but I always thought Brandy was a little underrated as a singer.  I love her voice and she can do runs like you wouldn't believe.  This was a great collabo.  I listened to it twice in a row.

See You Around

I really thought I was listening to Mumford and Sons until the drums hit.  I can see this being a pop chart-topper a-la "Forever" from his Exclusive album.  It has a crossover appeal.  So far it's my least fave.  It just doesn't grab me.

Don't be gone too long

Phew.  I was getting worried he had left EDM behind.  This is sure to be a club fave.  With the heavy club beat you can't go wrong.  Bring out the glowsticks!

Body Shots

Album filler in my opinion.  Definitely has an EDM feel.

Drunk Texting feat. Jhene Aiko

Here he collabs with the self-proclaimed Sade of this generation, Jhene Aiko.  Seems like she offered more or less background vocals.  As the title suggests, Chris Brown is inclined to drunk texting.  Aren't we all? I'd probably skip this song.

Lost in ya Love

Another mid-tempo groove.  Saturday house cleaning music is what I like to call this.  Good melody although the lyrics are not catchy.  Maybe after a few listens.

Love More

I wish I loved this song more.  It's gotten tons of spins on the radio, and depending on my mood I will  jig to it.  It's a dance song and I guess would serve its purpose at the club.  Guess you gotta have at least two of these kinda songs on the album.

Don't Think They Know

RIP. Aaliyah.  I appreciate this song.  The lyrics appear to be about fan appreciation.  I like the beat.  The late Aaliyah's vocals were a nice addition.

Fine China

My fave overall.  This song was released almost a year ago with a video.  Everything from the rhythm to the smooth vocals to the MJ feel I appreciate everything about this song.  He clearly saved the best for last.  If this song doesn't make you want to dance I'm judging you.  Not really (but really).


Overall, there's a little bit of everything on this album.  There are more songs I like than those I don't care for, so I guess that makes it pretty good!

On a scale of wack to dope I would give it a dope minus.